How to make an action movie

Sylvestre Stallone

The new Die Hard movie came out this month, did you know that? Of course you did, you’re a man. Like us, you probably went out to see it straight away, and like us, you were probably very disappointed. Sorry if you haven’t seen it, I’d say we’ve ruined it for you but the script writers were miles ahead of us on that front. So what is it that makes an action movie good? Big stars, big bangs and big bucks? It probably helps, yes, but it has to be done in the right way. Expendables 2 had the A-Z of action superstars in the cast and still managed to flop at the box office. Maybe people just don’t want to see the face of Sly Stallone projected high, wide and floppy anymore? Is the face of old man Rambo the downfall of the action genre? I for one, refuse to write off the suggestion. 

I expect you’re all thinking, “well if you think you could do better, why don’t you make one”, and you’re probably right. I’ve no doubt that if I did make the effort to produce an action movie on my student budget then I’d have no end of international film award nominations, but the fact is I simply don’t have the time. I’m far too busy working on an experimental horror-comedy at the moment.
Instead, I’ll give you lot a few tips. Tips that will probably launch you into the dizzy heights of well over 10 YouTube views. That’s right.
There is a definite formula for the action genre, and it really shouldn’t be messed with. A few have tried, most have failed. So here we go, pay attention and I shall see you at the oscars young man!

The Hero

Without a hero, your action movie is a disaster waiting to happen – both at the box office and for the world as we know it. From Achilles to Detective Lieutenant John McClane, your hero will be willing to do anything it takes to protect the interests of the greater good. Obviously, he (or indeed, she) will have a ‘very particular set of skills’, but that’s not to say they can’t have their faults. It just makes everything more interesting (to be clear, we’re talking selfishness or greed, not a lisp).

The Villain

Just like the hero, a villain is crucial to your movie. They’ll have a chip on their shoulder about something, and will (for some reason) try to destroy the entire world because of it. James Bond has faced some of the best ‘bad guys’, and seen off them all so far – touch wood. Take Jaws for example, he had a bad experience at the dentist, and his life took a terrible turn for the worse. In the case of the action movie villain, the badder the better.

The Explosion

No action movie would be complete without this true staple of the genre. Usually at the end of the film, the hero will walk away from a gigantic explosive inferno that would have any normal human in tears (of course, your hero is far from normal). There’s only one rule that your leading man must follow when using this trick – don’t look back. Never look back. Ever.

The Car Chase

At some point in your movie, the hero will be in hot pursuit of the villain. It is of vital importance that both drivers have a total disregard for the lives of pedestrians and all nearby buildings. A red light is no different to a green light, and handbrake turns are essential. It really goes without saying, but just to be clear, a fruit stand will be demolished by an American muscle car – failure to include this will result in the death of the genre. 

The Kiss

It goes without saying that your hero is god’s gift to women, and of course, he will take advantage of that privilege to the extreme. At the end of the film though, as the action comes to a crescendo, there will be a kiss. It’s what all the women in the audience have been waiting for from the start of the movie, and it’s a must for your film. Go on, get in there son.